Rainy Afternoon Thoughts

Venezia is definitely my least favorite city so far. Don't get me wrong. It is gorgeous, its worth seeing in person...its just B-O-R-I-N-G!

I can see why Americans get intimated by Venice and also why they love it. Everyone speaks English here and if they don't, no need to worry...the menus are in Italian, English, French, and German! Its so easy to be a foreigner here, so if you want a vacation where you don't have to try--come here! I get frustrated when I ask a question in Italian and I get a response in English, as I am trying really hard to be apart of this culture. While it is nice to know exactly what I'm ordering and how to find a bathroom, Id rather enjoy the challenge and be surprised. So far, my most favorite parts of this country are not in the tourist areas and all of Venice is a tourist area! Also, every store has the Visa sign in the window...funny how I prayed for that before and now I turn my nose up at it!

Venice is intimating because it is extremely confusing, especially at night. It took me less than 6 minutes to find a restaurant last night, another 5 minutes to go down to San Marco (St. Marks Square), but then solid 75 minutes to walk back to my hostel. Every turn seemed to be a dead end, trying to follow my map was a joke, and the streets were eerily quiet and vacant. I can see how people get nervous in a hurry, there were times when someone was ten steps behind and if they had ill intentions...there would have been no one to stop them. Thankfully, I didn't get scared, one public breakdown in tears is more than enough for me! I reacted by being stubborn and getting frustrated...but I did make it back. Once back at the hostel I found that I had a sleeping roommate so I also instantly passed out around 10:30 and got a great nights sleep.

I went for a nice long walk this morning. I thoroughly enjoyed my solo walk and was ironically glad that no one was with me. I never once pulled out a map, I just turned left when I felt like it, crossed over a bridge if it seemed like a good idea, walked through every park I saw, took pictures, and eventually made it all the way back without even trying! I have been in a internet cafe now for two hours and my pants are still soaked (that's what happens when the streets spray water on you!). I don't feel like doing much, I woke up with a little bit of cold, so I will probably stay another hour, and then go back to the hostel for a nap.

I never intended for this blog to detail so much of my inner thoughts/feelings but I also never knew the impact this journey would have on them either. So in being true to myself, I am now going to allivate my boredom by spilling my guts.... readers beware! LOL

As I said before, Ive got loads and loads of time over here. It doesn't matter how beautiful the scenery is, your brain needs to be occupied. I am living in the moment and I am loving it--but Im also constantly reflecting. Reflecting over my life, analyzing everything, making decisions on the person I want to be going forward, trying to understand myself more, etc... Sometimes I actually think how it would be nice to be busy with something other than my profoundly deep thoughts, but I don't really have a choice! LOL

Today's thoughts focused on the following: my looks and how I want to be judged.

On more than one occasion, I have found myself telling different people "I don't normally look like this, back home Im blah, blah, blah....".

Why on earth do I say this!??!?!

I stared in the mirror when I got ready this morning. My hair is pulled back and frizzy as all get out. I still don't like being a brunette, I want to be blonde again. I don't have a trace of makeup on and my skin is pale. I'm wearing the same pants, socks, sweater, coat, and shoes as yesterday. Despite how large my behind has grown, my pants are still 3x as baggy and they fall down as I walk. There is nothing about my appearance that screams attractive or beautiful. As I am found of saying now...I look like a dirty hippie.

But why do I care?

As I looked out into the bay, I realized that I don't. I have been justifying my appearance to others because I feel as though I need too. Ive felt the need to let them know that there is another side of this dirty hippie. But I know that I can put on a dress and look beautiful. I know that back home I would never wear the same socks 3-4 days in a row. I know that I have a gorgeous car and if I choose too, I can hit the town in better style than most I know. No one else needs to know that about me...and if they do, I really don't want to talk to them in the first place.

I've always gotten male attention. I don't have a problem securing a date for dinner. I wont lie, I thoroughly enjoy being young and attractive...but those two things are not the foundation under which I want people to judge or like me.

I want people to like me for everything aside from my looks, whether that be the girl whos a dirty hippie or the girl who's wearing a skirt and doing ridiculous poses on her mustang.

I want people to like me because I'm a walking disaster and its funny when I fall, trip, spill, and break things often. I want people to like me because I am always happy and when Im not, it takes me a whole 30 minutes to get in a better mood. I want people to like me because I try to always do the right thing. I want people to like me because I actually care about making the world a better place.

I dont want people to tell me that I have the most beautiful blue eyes...rather, I want people to tell me that my eyes are beautiful because my soul shines through them....

Im a little under halfway through my trip. After much thought, I decided (after first slipping down the stairs on a bridge) that I'm done justifying my looks to myself or to anyone else. How I may look back in the US is of no importance and I will not be bringing it up again. My favorite quote sums it up:

Id rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.

If only for today, being a dirty hippie is who I am. If people cannot love me for it, then they weren't the ones I wanted to be with any way.