Honestly

I don't want to come home.

I don't this adventure to end.

I have been gone for 36 days and I'm not homesick--I'm in heaven.

I honestly do not miss my life in the States. There are moments when I miss a particular thing, like breakfast. Or times when I feel lonely and want to talk to my friends. But these moments are few and far in between. When they happen, I take a deep breath and let them go...and they do always go.

I may not miss home, but I do think about the people I love. I think about my brother and sister. I hear my Dad's voice in my head. I spend hours thinking about my relationships and friendships with particular people. I analyze which ones are healthy and which aren't. Being gone, I see which people make an effort and am surprised by some that don't. Some of my relationships need to change and some should improve. Some people--I plan to completely live without.

Funny how even the cats. My sweet little boys....I am OK without over here. Sometimes I still can't believe that I feel that way, I am the crazy cat lady afterall! However, this trip has taught me that I can walk away from everything and everyone. I can go to a foreign country without knowing a single soul and be perfectly content.

I feel very different now. This trip has changed me in ways I could have never expected. Every day I learn so much more about myself. I don't know how I am going return to Portland and to the life I had. And the thing is, I know that I can't. Jennifer Napier left America one way and she's just not coming back the same.

I spent 2007 trying to survive an unhealthy marriage. A marriage that was built on lies, co-dependency, and addiction. I spent 2008 trying to survive my divorce. I tried to throw myself into the arms of one attractive man after another in an attempt to fill the new emptyness in my life.

Being in Italy has affirmed the strength and confidence I have in myself--- I am a strong independent woman!!! :) Italy has inspired me to really begin my life. It's super corny, but I know that I can do anything that I put my mind too. Therefore, I am going to spend 2009 building the life that I want. A life built on the things I love. A life that inspires me. A life that I can be proud of.

My life (oh it sounds so beautiful to say...)

My life, lived in the manner that I choose.

For too long, I have been a stagnant human being. I'm not beating myself up over it-- it's reasonable that I haven't been moving forward...I've just been trying to survive the crappy situations that I got myself into. I have always been a happy person but I haven't always been a healthy woman. In fact, I honestly don't think my mindset even began to get healthy until I bought my plane tickets for Roma last September. After being here, now I'm really ready. I'm ready to move forward, to have some actual goals, to surround myself with people that bring out the best in me. I want to push myself--- I am motivated.

I am by no means perfect. I'm a huge work in progress. Even in my wondering bliss in Italy---I have to fight myself when I start to return to my previous habits, previous thought patterns. I question myself, I question my confidence. There are many moments when I feel insecure, I think of my mistakes. I think about the plans I made but didn't follow through with. I can go so easily back into my old ways, especially when you throw a man in the mix. But I think that I am finally seeing most of my imperfections, my weaknesses...I'm learning what it is that I need to change and what I want to change. I'm learning to tell myself that I don't have to be the person I used. I don't have to live that way--that I won't live that way.

I don't want to come home, but I have too. I am most definitely not getting married to a hot rich Italian man and I'm out of money.

Coming home...wow, I am actually very overwhelmed by the thought of seeing everyone. I've changed. I've had experiences here that I can't even begin to discribe. Often, I do not even blog about the things I am doing because I can't accurately explain them. How do I tell you about Cinque Terre? HOW?!?!? You'd just have to be here to know. I know that returning to the States is going to a bit of a culture shock for me. I know that my life is going to be different from the way it was and I just don't know how I am going to react to my family/friends and them to me.

I keep saying how is my life going to be different...well let's talk about three big things that will be different:

One, I'm moving. I got word from Aaron (my roommate) that we will not be able to extend our lease past March 31. Therefore, we will be packing and parting ways upon my return. That credit card bill of mine is pretty hefty now, so I am actually making a smart financial decision---and I'm asking my parents to let me move back home for a couple months.

Two, I'm going to really pursue the things I'm passionate about-- starting with Italian classes and joining the tennis club. I am going to spend more time with my family (it will be easier living there--LOL). I'm going to focus on developing some goals for the next two years. Spend more time in healthy habits and a lot less time drinking. More time molding my life into the vision I have.

Three, I am not going to be dating. Honestly, my life is in disarray...I'm moving in with my folks for Christ's sake!!! There is no way I can pursue romantic relationships while I'm living with my parents, focusing on paying off debt, and putting goals together for the future. I love men, dating, and being in a relationship but I have to put my life together first. I need to get myself re-settled before I start dating again. A few months off the market--let's be honest...really, I'm doing the world a favor, LOL.

I know most of you reading this will not believe this part of my plan. I have previously said that I was going to take a break from dating and then immediately ran into work talking about my latest "victim". In looking at my history, I wouldn't believe myself either... it's okay for you not to believe---I don't need you too. It may sound cold but your opinion doesn't matter, I live for me now and I mean what I say.

And what about my job? (It's a question I get asked frequently)

Well I want my job. I have an amazing boss, great co-workers, and I pretty desperately need money. I know times are tough and I've been so blessed that my company let me take a leave of absence. However, as it has been since my hire date on 3/8/06...I won't ever know how long I plan to or will stay. For now, I have absolutely no intentions of leaving my company. I have a lot of other stuff I need to deal with and I will most certainly be there bright and early on March 9th.

(sigh) I don't want to come home... I am so in love with Italy!!!! :(

I do have things to look forward too... I look forward to building this new life of mine. I look forward to breaking my bad habits for good. I look forward to being productive again. I look forward to catching up with friends. I look forward to the twin's sports games. I look forward to getting debt-free. I look forward to having a bed. I look forward to loosing the weight I've gained (I haven't stepped on a scale, but I think this is the heavist I have ever been). I look forward to figuring out what my next adventure will be. I look forward to see where life takes me...

I could spend hours typing but this has been a long enough "deep emotional" blog for now...