Back Home!

Well I made it back to the States safely. Coming home has been interesting.

I pretty much felt terrible in anticipation all last week, I couldn't get my mind off of it. Thursday night, I finally let it all out. I was on the train to Roma, alone in a dark cabin, alone with my thoughts and my space...it was there that I finally broke down and sobbed. Sobbed for everything and everyone I was leaving behind. Sobbed because I have never had a happier six weeks in my life. How does one walk away from the best thing they ever had? How!?!?

It took me about an hour of crying and listening to the most depressing songs I could find on my ipod before I calmed down. But I did calm down. I told myself to breathe. After all, that's all I really have to do, just keep moving, one step in front of the other, just keep breathing...

By the time the time arrived in Roma, I was smiling. I generally find it impossible to be upset for long, this was no exception. I remembered that while one adventure is ending, another one is just beginning. And oh my God, I have my entire life ahead of me now! The possibilities are endless!

While waiting for my connection in Washington DC, I found a restaurant to eat dinner in. The line was really long and the woman in front of me offered to share her table with me. We never even exchanged names, just started talking about why we were traveling. I explained my backpacking trip, my philosophies, and how I planned to move forward. She explained how at 45, she's got an empty nest with two kids in college, and has realized that none of the success and money makes her happy. She explained how she was always caught up in how her parents raised her, molding her life in the way "it should be", and advised that I never listen to anyone who tries to put me there. Right now, she's selling her expensive home with the granite counter tops, hardwood floors, and ocean view. She's moving into a small apartment and going to travel. At the end of dinner, she stood up, threw her arms around me, and told me that I inspire her.

Wow, I inspire her! I inspire people? That's the most amazing compliment I could ever receive! She is right though, I know that pure financial success will never be what I am after. I know that following the mold isn't for me (always been a rebel!!! LOL). I am happy that I figured it out now, I am happy that I get to spend my whole life listening to my own heart...because I don't want to be that woman. I don't want to be 35, 45, or 55 and finally figure out that my soul is empty. I often feel as though people don't get me, they don't get what I'm after and it leaves me feeling very lonely. But in the end, I'd rather be alone and misunderstood than to conform, than to comprise. Happiness is what life is about. I will not compromise my happiness.

Hours of flights and driving later. I made it to my apartment in Beaverton at 11:30pm Portland time (that's 8:30am Italian time). Driving my car was exhilarating, I love driving my mustang!!! I tried to a feel a little bit Italian, I found myself shifting fast and hauling butt back home, LOL. I couldn't open the apartment door fast enough---I was so excited to see Harley and Kudos! As I collapsed on the floor with my backpack still on, my heart filled with so much love that I could barely speak as I held them. I plan to travel for the rest of my life, but I will also never leave them for six weeks again. Much to my surprise, the boys didn't completely hate me and actually cuddled with me while I managed to sleep for about five hours.

Yesterday, I did the routine organizing and unpacking. I spent time uploading some photos on facebook and sending emails. I was surprised to find home much more comfortable and not quite as foreign as I expected it to be. I also felt pretty loved because my phone rang off the hook and by noon I had four different invitations for Saturday night. Home is definitely different though, because I am different. I am finding some things disorienting, like my room. I wake up and think "where am I????" and then I realize I am not in Italy and that Harley is at my feet. I cannot seem to say "yes", even when I think the word "yes", my brain says "si".

I've been pretty happy since Thursday night. I never even once got upset on the plane ride home...but today I am hurting. I woke up feeling very disoriented again. If it wouldn't have been for Kudos and Harley crying for food, I could have laid there and sobbed. I had to get up though. Now I'm writing this blog to vent (which always helps) although I'm also making myself even sadder by listening to depressing love songs and crying. I really miss Italy. I miss Courtney and Lauren. I miss the man who calls me Coyote... :( I want to walk on the cobblestone streets. I want to hear old men speaking Italian. I want spend my day outside, smelling pizza and second hand smoke. A million times over, I'd rather be all alone in Italy than to be alone in this sterile apartment.

I went out for a few hours last night, seeing couples together made me a little jealous. I may be resolved to focus on putting my life back together and not on centering my world around dating ---but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be thrilled to be in a healthy relationship. Life is about love, love is in the fabric of everything that is beautiful in this world. Someday, I do want to build my life with a partner that compliments it. I want to find someone I can share my stories with, someone who will push me more than I push myself, someone who will drink too many bottles of wine and climb a castle wall with me, someone who will be the sweetest dessert to top the meal I already prepared.

Courtney, Lauren, and I would have discussions on this topic. As much as we may be "tough, independent women"...we are still women. We want to pursue our lives, but we still want the fairytale. We do want to have kids someday and we still want Romeo...or even better yet-- Edward Cullen, LOL. ;)

(long dramatic sigh)

I am just being emotional. I fell in love with Italy. And like any love story coming to a close, my heart now breaks.

There are a great many things about being home. Most importantly, my brother and sister. Nick and Meg came with my Mom to pick me up from the airport, those two absolutely light up my life! Eating healthy is refreshing and my ankle is finally not swollen from my tattoo so I'll be able to run today. Showering when I want too and having my own towels is fantastic. Having a cell phone is convenient...well actually, I shouldn't list that as a positive...because already I am ignoring calls and texts. I got so used to being unavailable...I actually don't like having a phone--so never mind that one! LOL

Tomorrow I will walk through the doors to work. I will officially be joining the rest of civilization in being productive. I think about the fact that many people at work may know me a whole lot better now, if they've read this blog then they've seen my ups and downs. They've seen me pour my heart out over and over again-- like I'm doing today. It's a little different, to have the world look into your life and you not into theirs...but it really doesn't bother me, I've always been an open book--got a question? Just ask! :) I've never hesitated to share everything with everyone...this time, I just put it in writing!

Well I'm in a better mood and smiling now (writing is the best therapy for me) so it's time to hop on a treadmill. Oh yeah, I'm up 12 pounds from Italy...not to mention the 5 I gained during the holidays. 17 pounds--dear lord! As my friend Dan told me yesterday, it's okay because those are happy pounds. Indeed they are, I've never been so happy eating and never been so happy to feel fat! :)

Ciao!

PS: Thank you to my friends and family for welcoming me back with open arms!!! Please don't ever take my sadness or complaining as a sign that I don't love and appreciate you all. I am so blessed to be around such amazing people, I am eternally grateful for your love!