A different trip

Traveling with my brother and sister is different than I anticipated. I guess I didn’t know what to anticipate either.

They don’t see this country in the same light as I do. It’s not the same precious gem in their eyes. They don’t see the beauty in the side streets, in the style of Italian men, in the food culture, in the history and want to gasp aloud, "oh Italia!".  Maybe they are having a blast, loving the culture, maybe they just don't express that as I do?

Grazie is pretty easy to say. My sister said thank you in english every time and I don't think I heard her say a word of Italian. She said she just didn’t think about it, thank you came out first. My brother has been living in Italy for 8 months. He can understand a lot of Italian and speak some, but still, he mostly orders his food in English. Why do I look at this negatively? I can speak Italian either.  I just know how to say please, thank you, and how to order food. Italy is even more receptive to tourists than it was 7 years ago and it's really not necessary to know any Italian. So why would I care?

I tried pointing it out to my sister and correcting her to say Ciao and Grazie but then I realized I was just trying to make her feel bad because I didn’t feel that way. A couple of times during our days together I probably lived too much in my past, giving too much advice. One time she told me I made her feel like I knew better than her. I don’t want that relationship with her or Nick – what I think is a product of my experiences. I’m probably not right, it’s just what’s right for me. I learned from her and tried not to say anything to Nick about speaking Italian.

I realized today that the last time I was in Italia, I had nothing to come home too. Yes, I had my immediate family and great friends and even a good job – but it wasn’t a full life. I was living in a shared apartment with a douche bag guy. I was stagnant in my job that had no upward mobility. I had never truly explored or been without a boyfriend since I was 15. Even then, in Italia -  I had quickly latched onto a guy, however, I knew it was probably fleeting and I was still free.

Coming to Italia this time, I have a lot at home. I have a partner. We just said our legal wedding vows but our real wedding is coming up in a few short months in Thailand. We own a home together. A beautiful, big, and comfortable home. I have a job that I really like and thrive in. I belong to a community. I have the kind of friendships that have been built up over years and years together, friendships that are more precious than any possession.

I thought I’d come to Italia again and my soul would burst with happiness. I thought that it'd be a time for me to revisit that adventure and free spirit that I had before. 

But I am not 23 anymore. I am not lost and I’m also not free. Part of my life, my heart, and my soul is in Wenatchee – In the life I have there, so as much as I want to walk down the street and reminisce the idea of living in Italia like I used to, I can’t. I actually can’t see it anymore. I don’t know if I will ever come back to this country. We only have one life to live and now mine is shared with a husband. Soon my life will be shared with kids. The last seven years have flown by and I’m painfully aware that all of my days will fly by too. Will Italia be on our agenda? Maybe. Maybe not. I have to be okay with it. I think I am....

Coming to Italia was the best decision I ever made, that day I spontaneously walked in my bosses office and said I need six weeks off or I quit. It changed everything about my life. It resulted in every good thing that came my way, meeting Courtney in Venezia, selling everything and moving to Seattle, taking the job at Target and moving Wenatchee. I would have never found my way to Wenatchee if it hadn’t been for my trip to Italia. Top says you can say that about any decision but I don’t agree. I think we make choices every day that impact our life but that there are some big choices that layout a new road map. Italia was one of those for me.

Nick and I are on a long and hot train ride from Firenze to Milano. We spent 2.5 days in Florence. Now I can say I went to Florence, Tuscany, and Pisa. Now I can say the big milestone markers of Italia are off my to-do list.

I have 2 days in Milano and then I’m back to the US. Back to home. Back to my family. Back to work. I keep feeling worried that I’m not seizing the moments as much as possible (I haven’t even been drinking during my trip) but how does one even seize the moment and what the hell does that mean?